Mastering English involves more than just knowing the rules of grammar; it also requires understanding how language functions in social interactions. One crucial aspect of this is recognizing and using dispreferred responses. Dispreferred responses are the responses we use when we cannot or do not want to fulfill a request, invitation, or offer directly. Learning how to use them effectively helps us navigate conversations politely and maintain social harmony. This article will provide a comprehensive guide to dispreferred responses, covering their structure, usage, and common pitfalls. This guide is useful for intermediate to advanced learners of English who wish to enhance their conversational skills and cultural awareness.
Table of Contents
- Definition of Dispreferred Responses
- Structural Breakdown
- Types of Dispreferred Responses
- Examples of Dispreferred Responses
- Usage Rules
- Common Mistakes
- Practice Exercises
- Advanced Topics
- FAQ
- Conclusion
Definition of Dispreferred Responses
A dispreferred response is a response to a first action (such as a request, offer, invitation, or assessment) that is not the expected or desired response. In other words, it’s what you say when you can’t or don’t want to say “yes” directly. These responses are typically delivered in a delayed, softened, or indirect manner to avoid causing offense or discomfort. They are a crucial component of Conversation Analysis (CA), a field of study that examines how people manage social interactions through language.
Dispreferred responses are not inherently negative; they are simply less expected than preferred responses (agreement, acceptance, etc.). The term “dispreferred” refers to the structural organization of conversation, not necessarily to the speaker’s personal feelings.
Understanding dispreferred responses is crucial for effective communication as it helps us to interpret and respond appropriately to indirect or potentially face-threatening acts.
Classification
Dispreferred responses can be classified based on the type of first action they respond to. For example, a dispreferred response to an invitation might involve an excuse, while a dispreferred response to an assessment might involve a partial agreement or a counter-argument.
Function
The primary function of a dispreferred response is to mitigate potential social friction. By delaying, softening, or providing an account for the refusal, speakers can avoid appearing rude or uncooperative.
This helps maintain a positive relationship between the speakers. They serve to protect the hearer’s “face,” which refers to their sense of self-esteem and social standing.
Contexts
Dispreferred responses are common in various contexts, including:
- Invitations: “Would you like to come to my party?” – “I’d love to, but I already have plans.”
- Offers: “Can I help you with that?” – “That’s very kind of you, but I think I can manage.”
- Requests: “Could you lend me some money?” – “I wish I could, but I’m a bit short myself right now.”
- Assessments: “That movie was terrible, wasn’t it?” – “Well, it wasn’t my favorite, but I didn’t think it was *that* bad.”
Structural Breakdown
Dispreferred responses typically follow a predictable structural pattern, which includes several key components. Recognizing these components allows you to better identify and interpret dispreferred responses in conversation.
- Delay: A pause or hesitation before the response. This signals that the speaker is about to deliver a dispreferred response. This delay can be filled with silence (noticeable pause), or a vocal filler like “Um…” or “Well…”.
- Preface: A softening device, such as an appreciation token (“Thanks”), an agreement token (“Yes, but…”), or an expression of regret (“I’m sorry”). These prefaces help to cushion the negative impact of the dispreferred response.
- Account: An explanation or justification for the dispreferred response. This provides a reason for not fulfilling the request, offer, or invitation. The account demonstrates that the speaker is not simply being uncooperative.
- Disclaimer: A statement that downplays the speaker’s agency or responsibility for the dispreferred response. For example, “It’s not that I don’t want to, but…”
- Mitigation: Strategies to soften the impact of the dispreferred response, such as using indirect language, hedging, or expressing empathy.
The following table illustrates the typical structure of a dispreferred response:
| Component | Example | Function |
|---|---|---|
| Delay | (Pause) | Signals a dispreferred response |
| Preface | “Well…” / “I’m not sure…” / “I’d love to…” | Softens the upcoming refusal |
| Account | “I have another appointment.” / “I’m really busy.” / “I don’t have enough money.” | Provides a reason for the refusal |
| Disclaimer | “It’s not that I don’t want to…” | Downplays personal unwillingness |
| Mitigation | “Maybe another time?” / “I wish I could.” | Further softens the refusal |
For example, consider the following exchange:
Person A: “Could you help me move this weekend?”
Person B: “(Pause) Well, I’d love to, but I already promised my sister I’d help her with something.”
In this example, Person B’s response includes a delay, a preface (“Well, I’d love to”), and an account (“I already promised my sister I’d help her with something”). These elements work together to soften the refusal and maintain a positive relationship with Person A.
Types of Dispreferred Responses
Dispreferred responses can take various forms, depending on the context and the speaker’s communicative goals. Here are some common types of dispreferred responses:
Refusals
Refusals are dispreferred responses to requests or invitations. They involve declining an offer or request, typically accompanied by an account.
Example: “Can you give me a ride to the airport?” – “I wish I could, but my car is in the shop.”
Rejections
Rejections are dispreferred responses to offers or proposals. They involve declining an offer or suggestion, often with an explanation.
Example: “Would you like some coffee?” – “That’s very kind of you, but I just had some.”
Disagreements
Disagreements are dispreferred responses to assessments or opinions. They involve expressing a different viewpoint, often softened with partial agreement or hedging.
Example: “That was a great movie, wasn’t it?” – “It was okay, but I didn’t think it was *that* great.”
Avoidances
Avoidances are indirect dispreferred responses that attempt to sidestep the issue without directly refusing or disagreeing. This might involve changing the subject, giving an ambiguous answer, or remaining silent.
Example: “Do you think I should quit my job?” – “That’s a tough decision. What are your other options?”
Conditional Acceptances
Conditional acceptances are dispreferred responses that accept the offer or request but subject to certain conditions or limitations.
Example: “Can you help me with this project?” – “I can help, but I’m only available for a few hours on Tuesday.”
Examples of Dispreferred Responses
To further illustrate the concept of dispreferred responses, here are several examples categorized by the type of first action. Each example includes the first action, the dispreferred response, and an explanation of the structural elements.
Invitations
The following table provides examples of dispreferred responses to invitations. Notice the use of delays, prefaces, and accounts to soften the refusal.
| First Action (Invitation) | Dispreferred Response | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| “Would you like to come to dinner tonight?” | “(Pause) Oh, I’d love to, but I’ve already made plans.” | Delay, preface (“I’d love to”), account (“already made plans”) |
| “Are you free to hang out this weekend?” | “Um, I wish I could, but I have a lot of work to catch up on.” | Delay, preface (“I wish I could”), account (“a lot of work”) |
| “Want to go to the movies with us?” | “Well, that sounds fun, but I’m really tired. Maybe another time?” | Preface (“sounds fun”), account (“really tired”), mitigation (“maybe another time”) |
| “Come to my birthday party!” | “(Pause) That’s so kind of you, but I will be out of town that weekend.” | Delay, preface (“That’s so kind of you”), account (“out of town”) |
| “Join us for a picnic on Saturday?” | “I’m not sure. I might have to work, but I’ll let you know.” | Preface (“I’m not sure”), account (“might have to work”) |
| “Fancy a walk in the park this afternoon?” | “Oh, I’d love to, but I’ve got a mountain of paperwork to get through.” | Preface (“I’d love to”), account (“mountain of paperwork”) |
| “Fancy joining our book club?” | “I’m flattered, but I barely have time to read as it is.” | Preface (“I’m flattered”), account (“barely have time to read”) |
| “Want to come to my concert next month?” | “That sounds incredible, but I’m saving up for a new car.” | Preface (“Sounds incredible”), account (“saving up for a new car”) |
| “Do you want to come along to our karaoke night?” | “I’m always terrible at karaoke, but thanks for the invite!” | Account (“terrible at karaoke”), appreciation (“thanks for the invite”) |
| “Care to join us for our annual camping trip?” | “I appreciate the invite, but I’m not really a fan of camping.” | Appreciation (“I appreciate the invite”), account (“not a fan of camping”) |
| “How about coming to my art exhibition opening next week?” | “That’s so thoughtful of you, but I often get stuck working late.” | Preface (“That’s so thoughtful of you”), account (“often get stuck working late”) |
| “Would you like to join me at the theatre this week?” | “That sounds lovely, but I’m trying to save some money at the moment.” | Preface (“Sounds lovely”), account (“trying to save money”) |
| “Fancy coming to my salsa dancing class?” | “I’d love to learn salsa, but I’m so clumsy!” | Preface (“I’d love to learn salsa”), account (“I’m so clumsy”) |
| “Want to come along to my pottery workshop?” | “I’m tempted, but I have a lot of other commitments right now.” | Preface (“I’m tempted”), account (“lot of other commitments”) |
| “Want to join us for a ski trip next winter?” | “I’d love to, but I’m afraid of heights!” | Preface (“I’d love to”), account (“afraid of heights”) |
| “Would you like to come to my book launch party?” | “I’m honored, but I’m already booked up that evening.” | Preface (“I’m honored”), account (“already booked up”) |
| “Want to go for a bike ride this afternoon?” | “I wish I could, but my bike needs a repair.” | Preface (“I wish I could”), account (“bike needs a repair”) |
| “Would you like to come to my photography exhibition?” | “That sounds interesting, but I’m not very knowledgeable about photography.” | Preface (“Sounds interesting”), account (“not very knowledgeable”) |
| “How about joining our hiking group next weekend?” | “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not really fit enough for hiking.” | Appreciation (“I appreciate the offer”), account (“not fit enough”) |
| “Would you like to come to my cooking class next week?” | “That sounds fun, but I already have a prior engagement.” | Preface (“Sounds fun”), account (“prior engagement”) |
Offers
The following table provides examples of dispreferred responses to offers. Notice how the speakers express gratitude while declining the offer.
| First Action (Offer) | Dispreferred Response | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| “Can I help you with those bags?” | “That’s very kind of you, but I think I can manage.” | Preface (“That’s very kind of you”), account (“I think I can manage”) |
| “Would you like me to drive you home?” | “Thank you so much, but I live nearby, so I’ll just walk.” | Preface (“Thank you so much”), account (“live nearby”) |
| “Can I get you a drink?” | “That’s really nice of you, but I’m fine for now, thanks.” | Preface (“That’s really nice of you”), account (“fine for now”) |
| “Shall I carry that for you?” | “That’s very kind, but it’s not too heavy.” | Preface (“That’s very kind”), account (“not too heavy”) |
| “Would you like me to help you with your homework?” | “I appreciate the offer, but I want to try to do it myself first.” | Preface (“I appreciate the offer”), account (“want to try myself first”) |
| “Can I give you a hand with that?” | “That’s really sweet of you, but I’ve almost finished.” | Preface (“That’s really sweet of you”), account (“almost finished”) |
| “Would you like me to proofread your essay?” | “That’s very generous, but I’ve already had it checked.” | Preface (“That’s very generous”), account (“already had it checked”) |
| “Can I lend you my notes from the lecture?” | “That’s so thoughtful, but I took my own.” | Preface (“That’s so thoughtful”), account (“took my own”) |
| “Shall I pick up some groceries for you?” | “That’s incredibly kind, but I did a big shop yesterday.” | Preface (“That’s incredibly kind”), account (“did a big shop yesterday”) |
| “Would you like me to translate this document for you?” | “That’s very helpful of you, but I’ll use an online translator.” | Preface (“That’s very helpful of you”), account (“use an online translator”) |
| “Can I make you a cup of tea?” | “That’s very thoughtful, but I just had one.” | Preface (“That’s very thoughtful”), account (“just had one”) |
| “Would you like me to water your plants while you’re away?” | “That’s really kind of you, but my neighbor offered already.” | Preface (“That’s really kind of you”), account (“neighbor offered already”) |
| “Can I give you a lift to the station?” | “That’s very generous, but I prefer to walk.” | Preface (“That’s very generous”), account (“prefer to walk”) |
| “Shall I book a taxi for you?” | “That’s very helpful, but I’m going to take the bus.” | Preface (“That’s very helpful”), account (“going to take the bus”) |
| “Would you like me to look after your cat while you’re on vacation?” | “That’s so kind of you, but my cousin is already doing it.” | Preface (“That’s so kind of you”), account (“cousin is already doing it”) |
| “Can I help you carry those boxes upstairs?” | “That’s very kind, but I don’t want to impose.” | Preface (“That’s very kind”), account (“don’t want to impose”) |
| “Would you like me to cook dinner tonight?” | “That’s really sweet of you, but I’m not very hungry.” | Preface (“That’s really sweet of you”), account (“not very hungry”) |
| “Can I lend you my umbrella?” | “That’s very thoughtful, but I have a raincoat.” | Preface (“That’s very thoughtful”), account (“have a raincoat”) |
| “Shall I give you a call later?” | “That’s really nice of you, but I’ll be busy.” | Preface (“That’s really nice of you”), account (“will be busy”) |
| “Would you like me to make you a sandwich?” | “That’s very kind, but I’ve just eaten.” | Preface (“That’s very kind”), account (“just eaten”) |
Requests
The following table provides examples of dispreferred responses to requests. Observe the use of apologies and explanations to soften the refusal.
| First Action (Request) | Dispreferred Response | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| “Could you lend me some money?” | “I wish I could, but I’m a bit short myself right now.” | Preface (“I wish I could”), account (“a bit short myself”) |
| “Can you give me a ride to the airport?” | “I’m so sorry, but my car is in the shop.” | Preface (“I’m so sorry”), account (“car is in the shop”) |
| “Could you help me move this weekend?” | “(Pause) Well, I’d love to, but I already promised my sister I’d help her with something.” | Delay, preface (“I’d love to”), account (“promised my sister”) |
| “Can you water my plants while I’m on vacation?” | “Oh, I wish I could, but I will also be out of town then.” | Preface (“I wish I could”), account (“will also be out of town”) |
| “Could you proofread my essay for me?” | “I’m really sorry, but I’m swamped with work at the moment.” | Preface (“I’m really sorry”), account (“swamped with work”) |
| “Can you look after my dog for a few days?” | “I’d love to help, but I’m allergic to dogs.” | Preface (“I’d love to help”), account (“allergic to dogs”) |
| “Could you pick me up from the station?” | “I’m so sorry, but I have a meeting then.” | Preface (“I’m so sorry”), account (“have a meeting”) |
| “Can you give me a hand with this project?” | “I wish I could, but I’m already committed to another project.” | Preface (“I wish I could”), account (“committed to another project”) |
| “Could you lend me your notes from the lecture?” | “I’m really sorry, but my notes are a bit messy.” | Preface (“I’m really sorry”), account (“notes are messy”) |
| “Can you help me practice my presentation?” | “I’d love to, but I’m not the best person to ask about that topic.” | Preface (“I’d love to”), account (“not the best person to ask”) |
| “Could you give me some feedback on my writing?” | “I’m so sorry, but I’m not very good at giving feedback.” | Preface (“I’m so sorry”), account (“not very good at giving feedback”) |
| “Can you help me move this heavy furniture?” | “I wish I could, but I have a bad back.” | Preface (“I wish I could”), account (“have a bad back”) |
| “Could you help me with my tax return?” | “I’m really sorry, but I’m not qualified to give tax advice.” | Preface (“I’m really sorry”), account (“not qualified”) |
| “Can you look after my kids for an evening?” | “I’d love to help, but I’m not very good with children.” | Preface (“I’d love to help”), account (“not very good with children”) |
| “Could you give me a hand with this coding problem?” | “I’m so sorry, but I’m not familiar with that programming language.” | Preface (“I’m so sorry”), account (“not familiar with that language”) |
| “Can you help me organize my closet?” | “I wish I could, but I’m not very organized myself!” | Preface (“I wish I could”), account (“not very organized myself”) |
| “Could you proofread my resume?” | “I’m really sorry, but I’m not sure I’m qualified.” | Preface (“I’m really sorry”), account (“not sure I’m qualified”) |
| “Can you help me fix my computer?” | “I’d love to help, but I’m not very tech-savvy.” | Preface (“I’d love to help”), account (“not very tech-savvy”) |
| “Could you give me a ride to the airport early in the morning?” | “I’m so sorry, but I’m not a morning person.” | Preface (“I’m so sorry”), account (“not a morning person”) |
| “Can you help me plan my vacation?” | “I wish I could, but I’m not very good at planning trips.” | Preface (“I wish I could”), account (“not very good at planning trips”) |
Usage Rules
Using dispreferred responses effectively requires an understanding of certain usage rules. These rules govern the appropriate application of delays, prefaces, accounts, and mitigation strategies.
- Be Sincere: The account provided should be genuine and believable. Insincere or flimsy excuses can damage your credibility.
- Be Clear: While indirectness is common, avoid being so vague that the other person doesn’t understand your refusal.
- Be Timely: Respond as promptly as possible, even if you need to deliver a dispreferred response. Prolonged silence can be interpreted as rudeness.
- Be Respectful: Maintain a respectful tone and avoid being dismissive or confrontational.
- Consider the Relationship: The level of indirectness and the type of account may vary depending on your relationship with the other person. You might be more direct with close friends than with acquaintances or superiors.
Common Mistakes
Learners often make certain mistakes when using dispreferred responses. Here are some common errors and how to avoid them:
| Incorrect | Correct | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| “No.” (to an invitation) | “That sounds fun, but I’m busy.” | Lack of preface and account |
| “Yes, I’ll help you.” (when you can’t) | “I wish I could, but I have another commitment.” | Failing to deliver the dispreferred response |
| “I don’t want to.” (to a request) | “I’m sorry, I’m not able to right now.” | Too direct and lacks mitigation |
| “Maybe.” (when you mean no) | “I’m not sure I can, I’ll let you know.” | Too vague and potentially misleading; providing a timeframe is more polite |
Practice Exercises
Test your understanding of dispreferred responses with these exercises.
Exercise 1: Identifying Dispreferred Responses
Identify the dispreferred response in each of the following dialogues:
| Dialogue | Dispreferred Response (A or B?) |
|---|---|
| 1. A: “Can you help me with this report?” B: “Sure!” / B: “I wish I could, but I’m swamped.” | |
| 2. A: “Want to grab coffee later?” B: “Yes, let’s go!” / B: “That sounds nice, but I have a meeting.” | |
| 3. A: “Could you lend me your car?” B: “No problem!” / B: “I’m sorry, but it’s in the shop.” | |
| 4. A: “Want to join us for dinner?” B: “Absolutely!” / B: “I’d love to, but I have other plans.” | |
| 5. A: “Can you help me move?” B: “I’m free all weekend!” / B: “I’m so sorry, I’m busy all weekend.” | |
| 6. A: “Fancy a pint after work?” B: “Sounds great!” / B: “I’m not sure, I have to get home early today.” | |
| 7. A: “Could you give me a ride to the airport?” B: “I’d be happy to!” / B: “I’m really sorry, I have an early start.” | |
| 8. A: “Want to come to the cinema with us?” B: “Yes, I’d love to!” / B: “That sounds fun, but I’m trying to save money.” | |
| 9. A: “Can you look after my cat while I’m away?” B: “Of course!” / B: “I’m sorry, I’m allergic to cats.” | |
| 10. A: “Could you proofread my dissertation?” B: “Sure, send it over!” / B: “I wish I could, but I’m not very good at proofreading.” |
Answer Key: 1. B, 2. B, 3. B, 4. B, 5. B, 6. B, 7. B, 8. B, 9. B, 10. B
Exercise 2: Completing Dispreferred Responses
Complete the following dispreferred responses by adding an appropriate account:
| First Action | Dispreferred Response (Complete with an Account) |
|---|---|
| “Can you help me paint my house?” | “I wish I could, but…” |
| “Want to go hiking this weekend?” | “That sounds fun, but…” |
| “Could you lend me your textbook?” | “I’m so sorry, but…” |
| “Want to grab lunch together?” | “I’d love to, but…” |
| “Can you give me a ride home?” | “I’m really sorry, but…” |
| “Want to join us for a movie night?” | “That sounds lovely, but…” |
| “Could you help me move this furniture?” | “I’d love to help, but…” |
| “Want to come to my party?” | “That sounds great, but…” |
| “Can you look after my pet while I’m away?” | “I’m really sorry, but…” |
| “Would you mind helping me with this task?” | “I’d love to, but…” |
Possible Answers: (Note: There can be multiple valid answers)
- “I wish I could, but I’m busy all weekend.“
- “That sounds fun, but I’ve already made other plans.“
- “I’m so sorry, but I need it for my own studies.“
- “I’d love to, but I have a doctor’s appointment.“
- “I’m really sorry, but I’m going in the opposite direction.“
- “That sounds lovely, but I have to work late tonight.“
- “I’d love to help, but I have a bad back.“
- “That sounds great, but I’m not feeling well.“
- “I’m really sorry, but I’m allergic to that type of pet.“
- “I’d love to, but I’m not very good at that task.“
Exercise 3: Rewriting Direct Refusals
Rewrite the following direct refusals as more polite dispreferred responses:
| Direct Refusal | Polite Dispreferred Response |
|---|---|
| “No, I can’t help you.” | |
| “I don’t want to go.” | |
| “I won’t lend you money.” | |
| “I can’t give you a ride.” | |
| “I’m not coming to your party.” | |
| “I won’t help you move.” | |
| “I don’t want to eat that.” | |
| “I can’t look after your pet.” | |
| “I won’t proofread your work.” | |
| “I don’t want to join your club.” |
Possible Answers: (Note: There can be multiple valid answers)
- “I wish I could help you, but I’m really busy right now.”
- “That sounds interesting, but I’m not able to go.”
- “I’m sorry, I’m not in a position to lend money at the moment.”
- “I’m really sorry, I won’t be able to give you a ride.”
- “That sounds fun, but I already have plans on that day.”
- “I’d love to help you move, but I have a bad back.”
- “That looks delicious, but I’m not very hungry.”
- “I’m really sorry, I’m not able to look after your pet.”
- “I’m so sorry, I’m not very good at proofreading.”
- “That’s kind of you, but I’m not interested in joining.”
Advanced Topics
For advanced learners, here are some additional topics to explore regarding dispreferred responses:
- Cross-Cultural Variations: Dispreferred responses can vary significantly across cultures. What is considered polite in one culture might be seen as rude in another. For example, some cultures value directness, while others prioritize indirectness and harmony.
- Power Dynamics: The way dispreferred responses are delivered can be influenced by power dynamics. People in positions of authority may be more direct, while those in subordinate positions may use more mitigation.
- Gender Differences: Some research suggests that there may be gender differences in the use of dispreferred responses, with women tending to use more mitigation strategies than men.
- Contextual Factors: The specific context of the interaction (e.g., workplace, family gathering, social event) can influence the choice of dispreferred response.
FAQ
What’s the difference between a dispreferred response and a lie?
A dispreferred response isn’t necessarily a lie. It’s a way of declining or disagreeing politely.
While the account given might sometimes be embellished or not entirely true, the primary goal is to maintain social harmony, not to deceive.
Why are dispreferred responses important?
Dispreferred responses are crucial for maintaining positive relationships and avoiding conflicts. They allow us to navigate social interactions with sensitivity and respect.
Are dispreferred responses always necessary?
No, not always. In some situations, directness may be more appropriate, especially in urgent or critical situations.
However, in most everyday interactions, using dispreferred responses can help to smooth communication.
How can I improve my ability to recognize and use dispreferred responses?
Pay attention to how native speakers use dispreferred responses in conversations, movies, and TV shows. Practice using them in your own interactions and ask for feedback from others.
What if I accidentally give a direct refusal?
If you realize you’ve been too direct, you can always soften your response by adding an apology or an explanation: “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. I just can’t make it because…”
Conclusion
Understanding and using dispreferred responses is an essential skill for effective communication in English. By mastering the structural elements, usage rules, and common mitigation strategies, you can navigate social interactions with greater confidence and maintain positive relationships.
Practice identifying and using dispreferred responses in your daily conversations to enhance your fluency and cultural competence.